This was from Reddit’s AmITheAsshole forum:
Me (34m) and partner (33f) went on a holiday to Bali with two of her friends and their husbands. On the second day the girls went shopping, the husband’s went for a massage and I stayed around the pool. Turns out these massages had a very “happy ending” and somehow their wives found out.
My partner then started to question if I was with them, I laughed it of and told her I was at the pool. After talking to her friends she started questioning me again. I asked if the other men said I had, she said no but maybe they’re covering for me!!! I refused to answer anymore question I had done fuck all wrong. We never spoke that night and I stayed away from the rest of the group, who seemed to be over the whole thing and was having a great time now!!!
I remembered I had all the signed receipts from the pool for all the food and drinks I had charged to the room and all had the times on. Absolute proof that what I said was true, I decided not show her them. If I did it would have eased her mind and we could of moved on and had a good holiday but why should I!!! The next day she was moody with me, having quiet conversation with her friends and then ongoing questioning to me which I refused to answer as I already had. Later that night I asked her one more time if she actually thought I did and she said she didnt know. I booked a flight and left that morning earlier than planned leaving her behind.
Am I arsehole for not just proving my innocents and easing her mind? I did nothing wrong but then again I know her friends was putting doubt in her mind.
EDIT: So I’ve had to add this because a lot of people presume I just booked a flight a fucked off. I never we had a discussion about it for a while and come to the mutual decision that maybe it’s best we had some time apart, a hotel room isn’t the best place to be during this type of stuff. Since we was only in Bali for five days that was an easier option.
And he’s absolutely NOT the asshole in this. That anyone disagreed with that notion, and the consensus labeled him such, shows a massive fault in logic as pointed out in the comments, such as this:
Your partner doesn’t trust you.
Showing her the receipts wouldn’t change that. It would just show that she was wrong.
While the OP could prove his innocence this time, what if the next time there is an accusation (and there likely will be given what occurred) and he doesn’t have timestamped receipts? There’s also the question of whether the girlfriend would’ve actually accepted the evidence or otherwise found some way to explain it away.
Because people are strange like that.
In my article on “micro cheating“, I said this: “The mere thought or insinuation that your significant other is cheating can be enough to completely erode your trust in them.” And with the above post, the trust is completely gone. The OP expanded that the friends who were “inside her head” she sees only a couple times a year, yet they held enough sway to push the girlfriend to essentially jettison all trust in him. Because that’s essentially what happened, even if she won’t admit it.
Going back to my article on “micro cheating”, I continued with this:
They, in turn, will lose their trust in you with the mere allegation and their defense against it. Because now your partner will wonder how anything he does will be interpreted by you.
This is why innocence should always be presumed and never have to be proven. This is why it’s fallacious to demand someone prove their innocence rather than you proving their guilt. When it comes to infidelity, it destroys trust.
The only thing the girlfriend had was the word of the two wives. A mere allegation. Nothing else. Despite the two guys who openly admitted to getting a “happy ending” at the massage parlor saying he wasn’t with them. Yet with that mere allegation, the girlfriend demanded the OP prove he wasn’t there.
He has the receipts this time, but next time he may not. He could prove his innocence this time, but next time he might not be able to. Remember, suspects aren’t arrested and convicted for lacking an alibi, but on evidence proving they were at the crime scene. In the above situation, the girlfriend didn’t even have that, but did have assertions showing the boyfriend wasn’t at the massage parlor and had the boyfriend’s alibi.
Yet on the mere assertion he might have been there from two people who definitely weren’t there, she accused him of cheating.
Trying to prove one’s innocence becomes tiring very quickly. I have personal experience on that. Especially since the tendency in the face of being proved wrong is to double down, not admit fault. In other words, when presented with the receipts, what can be expected is the girlfriend to somehow manufacture a way for her allegation to still be true despite the evidence to the contrary.
That is why I’ve said numerous times the mere allegation of cheating is enough to destroy a relationship. It becomes a continual battle wherein the boyfriend will now need to always prove he isn’t cheating, and the girlfriend will always wonder whether he is.
My advice to both would be to break up.
